My Pain into My Power

  I believe that everyone has that life altering moment where they have to make a decision that will change their life forever.  Mine began as I was crossing the threshold into the new year of 2015 and I had the monumental awareness that Entering into my car no longer brought me the refreshing joy it used to.  She exuberated me with Freedom because of the open road of destinations with unlimited possibilities.  But the wind got knocked out of me as the earth shattering truth put me in perspective that she feels like a prison cell now, for she is the place I call home.  

 

  As I got into the passenger seat of my proudly owned possession, I looked at the toxic and abusive man next to me and realized that if this relationship continues I will be taking care of him for the rest of my life (This was the beginning of my deep realization that I have paid and cared for every man I have ever dated).  We sold everything we owned to scrape by enough for food and keep a storage of what we could save of importance.  He remained jobless while I was a college drop out still waiting tables to receive the fast cash for survival.  This has been going on for over a year now and nothing has changed to give me hope for a positive future.  I’m going on almost three years of not speaking to my family & friends because I believed I was fighting for love.  Completely embarrassed and ashamed, I no longer recognize the person I see in the mirror and this so-called life I was living .  I once was a scholar athlete ( State qualified Runner, Class One Soccer champion and untouchable on the basketball court) with endless opportunities of where my life could go, so how did I walk through this rock bottom choice?  With no one to blame but myself, I knew the time had come for me to put all of this to an end!

 

  So this is where I became the hero of my own story, taking full responsibility for my actions and running full speed ahead at getting my life back on track of who I wanted to become. I left the life-sucking boyfriend, leaving behind everything I owned (not by choice); found myself a therapist; got back into college and started building my credit back up; paying off one bill at a time (not even trying to keep track of how much that relationship cost me #lifelessonsareexpensive).   The climb may have been slow, but I was determined to make my way towards the future I could have had. I kept focusing on the positive to keep the momentum going because there was no point in turning back.  It was too painful.  Forward was the only place to go to get out of this very long, very dark tunnel which I knew I put myself in. I just kept trying to  fix and repair  the broken pieces in my unraveled world, but the question still remained: Why and how did I get here?  

 

  No matter how hard I ran and no matter how far I tried to put the past behind me, I still couldn’t escape the voices in my head that needed to be understood. Toxic people had been interrupting my life for too long, but why did I let them in?  And why did I think living in a car with one of them was okay?  I needed to discover how my actions and choices brought me to the lowest & most excruciating days of my life.  The answer was simply said by my therapist, “you didn’t know your worth.”

 

  I had been living a life with narcissistic parents, which attracted me to narcissistic boyfriends (much more to say about my parents and upbringing, but now is not the time).  I was the people pleaser being connected to the wrong types who only took me for granted.  And the lovely helper I am didn’t realize until the age of 28 that I had no idea what made me happy.  I only knew how to make others happy and thought that was love.  My life would have kept going in this very unfulfilling pattern of empty connection, but by the grace of God, hitting rock bottom woke me in a way that made me never want to accept mistreatment again.  The clarity was like I was finally served a full platter of fulfilling and soulful goods; the bread crumbs filled with empty promises will never be accepted again!  I deserve better and it is time for me to start fighting for it so I never lose what I have already lost again.  No more surviving, time to be thriving!

 

  After many years of discipline and facing hard reality, I have rebuilt my entire world around loving myself first.  Speaking about myself for one hour sessions was the awakening I needed to love myself first before I could ever love anyone else.  I had to let go of the stigma that this is a selfish act.  This is the kindest and most loving thing you could do for yourself.  Who is in my life now is chosen with purpose, equal respect for one another and dedication for continuous growth.  This blissful healing path led me to be a college graduate (the first in my family) with my debt paid and my degree held high in praise of how far I have come. I am a Certified Transformational Nutrition Coach who embraces change and supports others in reaching what may seem as impossible goals; but nothing is impossible!  I found my forever love after 11 years of single brokenness because of the commitment to the healing process of slowly piecing myself back together (this process continues).  I discovered healthy habits and replaced them from my family norms of toxicity and negativity.  I healed and comforted the bruised, lonely, and desperately-searching-for-love woman I once was and transformed her into a strong and confident woman full of inspiration, gaining the healthiest relationship of her life; the relationship with herself.  

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  My world is full of people I love and who love me in return.  I am secretly obsessed with my family- husband-to-be Jason and his creative and kind, loving kids Brielle and Bryce.  I am finally with a man who shares my values and listens to me with a full heart.  He loves me unconditionally and never makes me feel small.  I feel like I won the lotto being able to call them My Family while sharing bike rides and home cooked meals together- complete joy and enriching warmth.  I volunteer my time with more kids that I adore in my Track and Cross-Country Coaching at Rancho Cotate High School and I am a mentor to the youth at Marin Covenant Church.  My life is embraced with incredible humans who love me by challenging me, supporting me, and asking the hard questions to sharpen me every day.

I tell you my story because I have made more mistakes than I can count and I want you to know mistakes are what make us grow.  With all the tears, pain and grievances I have faced, I am no longer shameful of my choices, but grateful for all of the lessons I have learned.  They shaped me into the leader I presently am; Creator of Self Empowerment Starts Now- life Coaching inspiring others to fulfill their dreams and know their worth.  Life is messy, but if you start focusing on the most important relationship of your life- the one with yourself, the transformation is beyond what you could dream of.  I want to be a part of your journey- to help you get clarity on your choices that brought you here today.  I want to motivate and empower you to become the confident woman of your soulful and enriching life. 

I am dedicated to your growth but the question is, are you ready?  

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Sharing your story gains more self empowerment than imaginable

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